Unraveled
by oksofia
Summary: Complete. Shayera returns to the Justice League, and finds the most support from the least expected of people: Batman. Dark, NOT a romance, and not for everyone.
1. By virtue of patience

_I don't own anything owned by DC Comics._

_Spoilers: "Starcrossed," "Wake the Dead," and "The Once and Future Thing Parts 1 and 2"_

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Chapter 1  
**By virtue of patience**

Superman had put his hand on her shoulder. He had smiled genuinely – the only kind of smile he knew how to give – and told her, "I believe in second chances. I believe in redemption. But mostly, I believe in my friends."

So even though Shayera knew that she wasn't quite ready to return to the Justice League, she gave into the sense of security she felt having them around her. Superman, John, Aquaman. Even Amazo. Having them there, lending their support (no one could understand how much she had been dreading a reunion; she certainly hadn't expected it to be like this) made it easy to ignore Vixen, who was making it abundantly clear that she didn't approve of Shayera.

"Coming up to the Watchtower?" Superman asked her after they were sufficiently far away from the crowd of press and spectators.

She heard police helicopters heading to the manhole, where they would retrieve Grundy's body from the sewers and airlift it. They would find his body in tact, but they would see that his head had been bludgeoned in. She could still feel how easily his skull had been crushed under her mace. The horrified tears she was forcing herself to suppress – because she was afraid to cry around these people – were maybe clouding her judgment, and Superman made her feel so safe just then, so she agreed.

She heard Vixen "hmmph" behind her.

---

All the feelings of security and familiarity she felt in Louisiana fell to pieces when she reached the Watchtower. There was nothing familiar about it. The Watchtower redesign lost all of the intimacy that made the old one feel like home. She wasn't used to seeing the monitor womb look like a military base of operations. She didn't like that there was a "commissary," and that there were "quarters" and "recreation areas." The old Watchtower had been like a clubhouse. Now it was like a barracks.

(It was _her_ fault, she kept reminding herself.)

And now it was crawling with people. Civilians, and more superheroes than she had ever seen gathered in one place. She could identify most of them because of her intelligence work for the Thanagarian army. Of course, all of them knew who she was.

The new Leaguers wanted nothing to do with her. The original Leaguers were only slightly better.

Superman was kind and polite, but she suspected that it was because he was incapable of being any other way. J'onn accepted her return wordlessly. Diana was still feeling betrayed but was more arrogant than ever, and because she couldn't lie she made it clear that she was still livid with Shayera. Batman was nowhere to be found – not that she expected any warmth from _him_.

Only Wally had welcomed her back with open arms. One afternoon they were having lunch in the commissary when she set down her fork and shook her head. "Hanging out with you is the only time I'm actually happy these days," she admitted in a rare moment of vulnerability, "Why aren't you up here more often?"

He scratched the back of his neck. "…I've been busy in Central City trying to get things back to normal, after…"

After the Thanagarian invasion. Her voice caught in her throat, but she nodded, understanding. Swallowed a fresh wave of guilt.

And John was with Vixen.

---

The night Grundy was resurrected, Shayera was thrust back into public scrutiny. John had tried to protect her the best he could. She wasn't grateful for his help, but she was relieved to see that he still cared about her feelings. She knew that she had wrenched his heart from his chest when she had introduced him to Hro. Yet here he was, defending her against the world. And her feelings for him hadn't changed. She was almost filled with hope.

But then when the warm feelings had worn off back at the Watchtower she realized that John had been especially vocal because he was guilty. The woman who kept crossing her arms and rolling her eyes at Shayera that night – Vixen – was John's new lover. Because of this, John was almost theatrical the way he was trying to get in Shayera's good graces.

If she hadn't gotten her hopes up so quickly after seeing him again, maybe this news wouldn't have stung so much.

She was infuriated with herself. Went to the training rooms all of the time now. Wailed on hapless robots with her mace. Screamed war cries until her voice went hoarse.

Vixen was desire itself. She was sophisticated and sultry and mysterious and confident. At first Shayera was convinced that she was John's rebound girl. She was a _supermodel_, for crying out loud. And John wasn't the kind of guy who fell for looks. He had fallen in love with Shayera without ever seeing all of her face.

But then Shayera found out that Vixen was a fearless fighter. She could think on her feet. She never wasted time on small talk. Her every move was carefully calculated – she was smart.

Shayera's first instinct when she learnt all this was to protect John from Vixen. But then the image of his almost-goofy face (with that awful new goatee he was sporting) when he was around his supermodel girlfriend reminded Shayera that she was just looking for an excuse.

She slammed her mace against a robot's head with a loud grunt and it clattered to the ground.

John was with Vixen –

_Thunk_

– but he didn't even have the decency –

_Thunk_

– to be honest about it with her—

"_Shayera_," came a sharp voice.

She spun around, half-distracted, half-annoyed.

Batman frowned at her. "If you're going to destroy Watchtower equipment without the intention of improving your skills, then you're abusing your privileges as a League member."

Leave it to Batman to hit her with a multi-layered insult. "I _am_ improving my skills," she shot back, "I'm trying to figure out the best way to beat John back into his senses."

Batman remained stock-still. "We don't harm our team members in the Justice League."

The hand that clutched her mace fell to her side. "Get it all out of your system now," she growled. But she was hurt.

She had never counted Batman among one of her friends. They had consulted each other on missions because their minds worked alike, and they had played chess together, sure, but only because she thought that he could afford to be taken down a peg.

(And she was relieved that she hadn't seen him during her first few days after her return, because she felt especially guilty on his account. He had almost killed himself to make up for her mistake with the hyperspace bypass, and she knew that the Thanagarians had destroyed millions of dollars worth of Wayne Enterprises projects around the world. After John, she had wronged _him_ the most.)

Still, she had expected him to at least say "Welcome back" before he started to insult her.

Somehow he was John's friend. "If you knew that you couldn't have a future with someone, then why would you pretend to be nice to make that person think that you _did?_" she demanded suddenly.

"Unless you're training, get out of the training room," he repeated.

She narrowed her eyes and made her way towards Batman. Yanked a towel from the rack behind him. Snapped it in front of his face and threw it over shoulder, but he didn't flinch. She walked out of the room, blinking back the wetness that was starting to fill her eyes.

---

The Princess had picked up sarcasm during her absence, Shayera noted as she snatched a tray and crossed Diana in the commissary. ("_By all means_." So regal and yet so rude! If she and Diana were still friends, she would have patted her on the back.)

She saw Batman and John in the distance sharing a table. They were having an animated conversation over coffee – well, about as animated as those two could get. She swore that she saw Batman smile. Yob shiggurath.

Wonder Woman walked towards John and Batman. Shayera watched her enviously. If this had been a year ago, she could have joined them.

And then, she could almost swear that she saw the two men flicker. And then, just as suddenly, they became very quiet and looked at each other in confusion. When Diana set down her tray on their table, Batman asked her something and she shrugged. John turned to look almost dumbfounded at Shayera, and she quickly looked away.

There were other things to occupy her. She had to find a table as far away from John as possible. She wasn't up for a conversation with him just then.

---

Later that evening, she sat in an unoccupied rec room, absently staring into the distance. Batman came into her field of vision. She rolled her eyes. "Are you here to tell me that I shouldn't breathe from the Watchtower oxygen reserves unless I'm working on improving my lung capacity?"

He pulled a nearby chair up to the chess set. "Care to play?"

She narrowed her eyes. "What do you want?" But Batman was already setting up the chess pieces on the board. Reluctantly, she sat on the chair across from him. "Is it about what happened this afternoon?"

"What happened this afternoon?" he asked without missing a beat as he finished lining up her pawns.

"I don't know." Shayera crossed her arms. "I'm guessing time travel."

He nodded imperceptibly. "Lantern, Wonder Woman, and I took a little trip."

Was he testing her, she wondered? Decided not to ask any questions. Moved her pawn towards his side of the board. They played quietly for some time until something occurred to her. "Did John send you here?"

"Would it matter if he did?"

"…I don't know." She seized one of his bishops. "I just…I knew that things would be awful if I ever saw him again, but I didn't expect them to be like this."

So this was what it had come to. She was going to pour her heart out to a wet blanket like Batman. Beggars can't be choosers, Hol, she told herself.

"I thought that John and I would ignore each other's existence and move on. But he's trying to form _another_ kind of relationship with me, and I don't want it. But I don't have the right to deny it to him. I lost that right after – after everything that happened."

Saying it out loud _didn't_ make her feel better.

"Given the current circumstances, you and John probably aren't going to happen," Batman said finally. Her mouth fell open a little; he cut her off before she could protest. "But you still love him. Why?"

He moved his knight closer to her king. _Check_.

She knew Batman because he was like her. Knew that he inherently mistrusted anything he couldn't control. Knew that he only allowed himself to value things he could logically explain. Knew that he was afraid of things like faith – and love – because they were too abstract to be constant.

"The three of you traveled through time, but only two of you came back," she realized aloud as she saved her king. It dawned on her that she and Batman were in the same predicament. "Something happened to Diana." Her eyes widened. "Great Hera, Batman, _you_ – and her…"

She always knew that Diana would eventually get off her high horse and fall in love with one of the men that she loved insulting, but she didn't expect it to be with someone as disagreeable as Batman. And if Batman felt the same way about Diana, well then, the poor guy must hate himself.

She smiled humorlessly. Pushed her queen towards his king. _Checkmate_. Their eyes locked, and, for a moment, both pairs were full of self-loathing and misery.

She knew what was going to happen now, and she saw that he did too. When Batman's king fell, she leaned forward to receive his kiss before he could offer it.

---

The truth was that she was aching to connect with someone. She still held her head up high, but the stares were slowly wearing her down.

Even when she was alone, they never left her. She could feel eyes on her – some familiar, some strange, all hostile – sizing her up, excoriating her. Not one of the looks she received was understanding. None of them were even pitying.

Sometimes, they were grateful, but even then they were hesitant.

Then, there were some eyes that she couldn't read. John's luminescent green ones, for one. There was a time when looking into them – really, _into_ them – made her want to explode into a million pieces of happiness and desire and passion and love. Now it was like their light had dulled somehow. Like he was looking at her, but he couldn't see her. Like he had given up finding her even though she was right in front of him.

---

_To be continued._


	2. Pillow talk

Chapter 2  
**Pillow talk**

Batman stood up at once to dress in his uniform again, but Shayera stayed in her bed, staring at the cold steel ceiling. She thought she should feel offended that he seemed to be in a hurry to go away, but really she was indifferent.

He hadn't even taken off his cowl the whole time, probably to remind both of them that he was there only as Batman, not as Bruce. She thought it was weird. But it didn't matter. They had avoided looking at each other ever since their chess game ended. He finished fastening his cape; she fully expected him to leave as soon as the hallway was clear. To her surprise, he sat on the chair next to her bed.

He wanted to talk. She wasn't sure what the hell about.

"What happened to you and John on that mission, anyway?" she finally ventured.

"Telling anyone what happened could potentially alter the course of our timeline."

She had to hide a smile at his manners. At least some things hadn't changed since she was last here.

"Then what happened to Diana on your mission?"

He considered for a moment, and when he decided it was safe, he spoke. "She was there and then she disappeared into thin air." He added quietly, "I thought I'd never see her again."

"And you were relieved," she offered.

"…Yes."

She knew the feeling.

---

With the exception of that first time, they never made it past sharing a few heated but empty kisses during the first ten minutes of their visits. Then one of them would pull back to make an excuse about having a headache, or having patrol soon, and so they would sit there, Batman on the chair and Shayera on her bed.

They never looked at each other, both keeping their eyes closed when they were near each other and facing away from each other when they talked. These first ten minutes were requisite. It was their excuse to keep seeking each other out. When it was out of the way, then they could relax.

She would feel sorry for him as she wrestled her lips against his, and then remember that now she was just as pathetic as he was. Still didn't like him. Saw a lot of herself in him. It was nice to have someone to talk to who didn't pull any punches.

---

Even when Batman _wanted_ to talk, he never did. Was it arrogance, or was it unintentional? She suspected the former. She would've liked to leave him stewing in his own stubbornness and eventually necessitate him to speak first, but that would take too long. She could stand him okay when they were talking, but when he was sullen and sitting quietly next to her – well, it made her skin crawl.

Besides, she was in no position to teach anyone lessons anymore. She broke the silence between them yet again. "So this whole tall, dark and alone thing you've got going – is all of it real?"

"The mission is my priority. Everything else is inconsequential."

Except for Wonder Woman, she silently amended. "But a guy like you must get some serious tail," she insisted, then added quickly, "as Brucie, I mean."

"There have been women," he conceded modestly. "I even thought I was in love once or twice."

"Catwoman," she nodded sagely.

Batman raised an eyebrow, until he remembered that Shayera knew this because she had been gathering intelligence on him and the others for years. "What Catwoman and I have is…" he thought for a moment. "Fun," he summarized.

The idea of the Batman having fun gave her the creeps, but she pressed on, "What made you realize that it wasn't love?"

"Circumstances." She heard him shift in his chair; he wanted to change the subject. "How did you know that you would choose John over Talak?"

She closed her eyes. The faint flutter her heart still felt every time Hro's name was mentioned (it was almost like a reflex) was there again. "I didn't know, initially," she admitted. "Sometimes I got annoyed with John because I felt like he was trying to change me into someone less trigger-happy.

"But after the invasion – after everything that happened – after how I broke his heart…he still loved me. He loved me in spite of all of my flaws."

He listened to this with some skepticism. "Diana accepts me just the way I am, and that bothers me."

"You don't think it bothers _me_ that John likes me even after I almost destroyed the planet_?_ You're emotionally constipated, sure, but I betrayed the _entire world_. John's a bigger person than I'll ever be."

"They deserve better than us."

"No question about that," she snorted in agreement.

---

But Batman could leave the room and then spend time with Diana and John and forget all about Shayera until he wanted to purge again. Shayera didn't have the luxury, because Diana glared and John stared. She could have held her head up high in front of them like she did with the newer League members, but she _couldn't_. She'd given them every reason to act warily.

It had gotten to the point where the only person she talked to now was Batman. Spent her days quietly, away from people, speaking to them only on missions, and even then only in directives. Actively avoided John.

Batman was her only friend, and he was the kind of friend whose forlornness she fed off of until it festered inside of her. She trusted him, but she didn't even like him. (Maybe she clung to him because she was grateful that he treated her like a person instead of a traitor.)

He wasn't as dependent on her as she was becoming on him. He would only come after missions with Wonder Woman, too knotted up to talk a lot, too washed up in a fresh wave of self-hatred. She wondered how much of his struggle around Diana had to do with the fact that he was guilty about fooling around with Shayera behind her back.

Diana had no idea what was going on between the two of them. Neither did John. Diana still looked at Batman with eyes full of affection and admiration, and John was still trying to win Shayera's friendship by attempting to talk to her at every possible opportunity.

Shayera was an expert at deception, and she was already so replete with guilt that she couldn't feel any more of it. Batman didn't openly deceive though. He evaded, but never outright lied.

(One night she had wanted to reassure him that he didn't have to feel guilty about anything. He had his gloved fingers buried in her hair when she pulled back and became serious. "This doesn't mean anything," she whispered hoarsely.

"Don't you think I know that?" he leveled icily, and let go of her at once. He left after that. She had spent the rest of the night feeling intermittently stupid and angry.)

She was lonely. Resigned herself to the feeling. Honestly believed that she didn't deserve any better.

One night she asked Batman, "Why are you so afraid of Diana?"

Batman didn't answer immediately, but not because he didn't have an answer. "Because I respect her more than I respect anyone else." Shayera was surprised. He stood up abruptly and swept towards the door. She watched him leave. Felt pity for him. Felt awful for Diana. Batman had had the right idea when he had decided to work alone. Defending an entire city on her own had to be less harrowing than the emotional beating she got every time she saw John now.

---

Then came the mission during which the two of them slipped up.

J'onn sent her on a case with Batman, Wonder Woman, and John. She was dumbfounded. J'onn tended to display his sense of humor at really odd times, but this was ridiculous.

She shouldn't have worried that it was going to be like an awkward double date, because it wasn't. Whatever errant romantic feelings Batman had for Diana, he worked with her exceedingly well. And John was part of their little team. The three of them chatted away about the impending mission while Shayera navigated the Javelin with a sullen expression (they hadn't teleported because of Batman's paranoia). John turned around once or twice to put his hand on her shoulder and get her input, but after she brushed him off, he got the hint.

She was silent until they got there. Gladly swung her mace at the unknown group of super-strength monsters terrorizing downtown San Francisco. Bludgeoned away her anger and her feelings of isolation, she thought. Even managed to exchange a painless smile with John when they both got rid of an opponent together.

When they were done, the four of them regrouped by the Javelin to compare notes. The media had congregated nearby too; John fashioned a "do not cross" ribbon with his ring to keep them at bay.

Separated though they were, they weren't prevented from yelling to make themselves heard. "Hawkgirl! _Hawkgirl!_"

Shayera ignored this at first while she struggled to catch her breath and listened to the debriefing. When this was done, she looked at the other three. "I guess I have to take care of them," she motioned towards the press.

Diana smiled unkindly, and Batman's face didn't change. John, of course, put a supportive hand on her shoulder to steer her towards the crowd. She shoved his hand away and made her away alone.

"Hawkgirl, what makes you think that you are welcome on Earth?"

"Why do you think the Justice League has allowed you to stay on the team? Are you blackmailing them somehow?"

"Is it true that you and the other Thanagarians eat your young?"

She stepped back. "What? _No!_" she blinked. "Listen, you've been asking me the same bullwar for the last two months. How about some _real_ journalism now?"

"How do you justify the loss of millions of Thanagarian lives?"

She groaned. Ignored the other feeling that was starting to surface.

"The commander of the Thanagarian army was her fiancé. If she could betray _him_, no one else had a chance in hell."

Shayera gripped her hand around her mace just as Wonder Woman landed between her and the reporters. "The Justice League stands by its decision to retain Shayera Hol as a member," proclaimed Diana to the press, "Just because she is kind enough to entertain your questions does not give you license to verbally assault her."

Shayera was grateful, but Diana wouldn't meet her eye as she swept past her back to the Javelin, just to make it clear that nothing had changed between them. Her warm feelings fell flat as she followed her teammate.

By the time they were all onboard, she was trembling.

She had paved the way for the deaths of millions of her own people.

She had let down Hro.

And all for _this_? For a world where she was openly despised, where no one understood or even acknowledged the unthinkable sacrifice she had made?

Tears welled up at the corners of her eyes, and she didn't bother to hide them. There was no point.

Because John had her under a damn microscope all of the time, he noticed this. "Hey," he said softly, "They're all idiots, Shayera." He reached out for her.

But Shayera pushed past him and headed toward Batman. Pressed her face against his chest. And without hesitating Batman put an arm around her, at once protective and reassuring. She began to sob.

Hardly half a minute passed before she remembered where they were. She pulled away from him at once, unsure of where to look. Diana and John watched the whole scene, appalled. Diana was white as a sheet, but her mind was clearly reeling with possible explanations for what she had just witnessed. And the look John's face was _hurt_, plain and simple.

Shayera turned away from them and clicked on her comm. link. "J'onn, it's Shayera. I'm on the Javelin and I need transport to the Watchtower."

"Understood."

She didn't get a chance to glance at any of them again before she disappeared.

---

Somehow she knew that night that Batman was going to show up. He probably wanted an apology for ruining things with Diana. She was desperate to give him one. She wanted him to know that she hadn't meant to drag him into her mess. He knocked on her door, and she was ready to answer.

The door barely finished sliding shut before they were all over each other – kissing – _tearing_ at each other, with urgency and with heat. She grasped his face in her hands and he dug his fingers into her back, before he slid his hand upwards and tugged at her shirt—

She slapped his hand away. "What are you doing?" she demanded.

"Isn't this the next logical step?" he challenged.

"What?" She wrinkled her forehead and gazed up at him for the first time in a long while. "…I thought we were friends."

"We're _not_ friends. You deserve better."

"Get out," she growled. He did. She yanked her mace from its hook on the wall and swung it down onto her mattress; it split open into a flurry of feathers. She slumped against the side of her bed and tried to steady her breathing.

---

_To be continued_.


	3. Comrade in arms

_Spoilers: "Legends"_

Chapter 3  
**Comrade in arms**

That night, Shayera didn't bother even trying to sleep. Instead, she impatiently rifled through her closet until she found a burka. Pulled it on. Snatched a six-pack of beer from the kitchenette. Teleported out of the Watchtower.

She ended up in a landscape park in Hirosaki, where it was three o'clock in the morning. Unsurprisingly, she was completely alone. But this was the kind of alone she didn't mind. Scores of crickets chirped contentedly, their song drowned out periodically by the sound of a gust of wind through the trees. The light from the moon made the cherry blossoms glow in pale pink incandescence. Her burka hid her wings from sight. The six-pack was cold.

She sat leaned against a cherry tree and knocked back two beers in quick succession. When she flicked open her third one, she paused for a moment to look at it. "I've got to tell you," she confided in it, "You are much better company than Batman."

After a sip, she decided to add, "And I'd much rather press _you_ against my mouth."

Somewhere in the middle of the fifth beer, she fell asleep and dreamt about Hro.

It was the kind of dream that made her sweat. Just the thought of Hro's face – of that body, and those scars – his voice – all of it set her on fire. Hro was the most extraordinary, ferocious, sexy and driven man she had ever known. With him, it had happened at once. They were always ravenous for the thrill of battle and for each other. It was like even standing _near_ each other was enough to set the air between them on fire.

When they were apart, when her mind was relieved from the greed of her body, she still loved him, but it was clear to her that she loved John _more_. When she saw Hro again after all those years, though, she couldn't help herself. It was like she erupted into flames of lust and joy just at the sound of his voice. At that point she would have done anything to touch him again.

She would have even sacrificed Earth and its six billion inhabitants for Hro. She had no particular love for humans (lately, this indifference was starting to become resentment – couldn't they learn to _forget?_). Giving them up to save her own people wouldn't have caused her too many sleepless nights; it was just one of the costs of war. There was only one reason she had turned her back on Hro and betrayed the Thanagarian empire: John.

---

With John it had been slow. He was a good guy, great to fight alongside, a little boring maybe, but always easy to talk to. He was easy to respect. He was easy on the eyes, too.

It was after they ended up in Seaboard City with the fake Justice Guild of America that everything changed for Shayera. She saw his childhood heroes, and how his heart broke in front of her when he realized that they were just an illusion. When they were back at the Watchtower, John stood far apart from the rest of the League.

"Are you okay?" she asked him, leaving Flash to regale the others with tales of his daring.

"It's stupid, really," said John, voice trembling, "Why _should_ I feel like this? I mean, they weren't even real."

"They gave their lives for us. That's real enough for me."

The brilliant green aura that normally set his eyes ablaze was dimmed now when he was looking at her this helplessly. Still, she saw strength in them, and a quiet passion, and, for the first time, vulnerability. She rested her head against his shoulder, and felt her heart drumming against his back. That was when she knew.

---

Shayera returned to her room after a mission to find Batman sitting on his usual chair of late. They mattress she had destroyed after his last visit had been replaced with a new one.

She hung her mace on the wall next to the door and crossed her arms. Glowered at Batman for an explanation.

"We're not friends," he said.

She rolled her eyes. "_Oh_. Thanks for clearing that up, because I didn't know that already."

"I don't have time for friends."

"How sad for you."

"It's nothing against you, Shayera."

"I don't care, Bruce. I don't even like you that much, you know."

To her utter irritation, he stifled a smirk at this. "I know. That's why I let this get as far as it did. Because you don't have my best interests at heart."

Her arms were still crossed. "Do you always have to make everything so…" She searched for the right word – _"clinical?"_

He didn't say anything, because the answer was obvious.

She continued. "But you _do_ slip up sometimes. You pretty much blew our dirty little secret in front of John and Diana on that mission in San Francisco. What the hell did you hug me for in front of them? You never even hugged me while we were sucking face."

"Why do you assume that I didn't plan that, too?"

She dropped her arms to her sides. Peered at him. "Why would I assume that?"

Batman swiveled in the chair so that he faced to the side. "I shouldn't be telling you this."

"Oh, go —" She didn't get to finish her expletive.

"When John, Diana and I time-traveled a few weeks back, we ended up fifty years into the future. I met myself.

"I was all alone. No family, no friends."

"I see," she frowned without sympathy, "So you thought you'd get a head start on alienating two people, who – for some reason that is beyond me – happen to like you. I can't say anything about your situation, Batman, but I _can_ say that I don't want to be a part of it."

He stood up and narrowed his eyes at her. "Too late. You already have a head start: no family, and apparently now you know that you have no friends either." He didn't hide his smugness.

She swung at him to slap him across his face, but he grabbed her by her wrist and jerked it aside. She glared at him and flexed her knee to ram into his gut; he took hold of her by her thigh and locked her in place against him.

"Since when did you become a punching bag?" he demanded coolly. She struggled to break free. He only tightened his grip. "Look at yourself. What happened to you?"

She jerked her head upward to butt him in the neck. The force of the blow against his larynx momentarily arrested his breathing and she used this opportunity to free herself. "What happened to me?" she repeated incredulously, "_Are you serious?_"

Shayera stormed out of the room. Batman followed.

Each reason she listed hung in the air and then ricocheted back to slap her in her face. "I spent five years on Earth under false pretences. I broke my fiancé's heart. I stabbed every single friend I had in the back. I _betrayed_ the entire Thanagarian empire. And John…" She stopped walking.

Batman's voice jarred her back to the present. "Seems to me like you've had enough time to get over it."

"_Get over it?_" She spun around in outrage. "Get over it? Okay, how about I 'get over it' when _you_ get over your parents' murder?" Now it was her turn to be smug (it felt much better than being angry). "You think _you've_ got issues, Batman. Well I left you in the dust, didn't I?"

He drew his cape over his shoulders. "Unlike you, I don't blame my 'issues' for making me a failure. John is trying to show that he's forgiven you. Why aren't you willing to accept that?"

"Maybe for the same reason that you aren't willing to accept that you and Diana don't have a future." She knew that she had hit a nerve. "We're afraid of how _good_ they are. How we can never measure up to them. We're afraid of how much we _want_ them, because we're _failures_." She spat the last word.

"If I let John forgive me so unconditionally, I'll never be able to live up to it. But at least I'm willing to acknowledge that. You, Batman – the most extraordinary woman in the world wants to be with you and you keep taking advantage of her."

He grit his teeth.

"You can't keep on doing this to someone as sincere as Diana! You push her away whenever you want, but you can't keep yourself from showing how much you care about her. What the hell is wrong with you?"

She was yelling now.

"Diana knows perfectly well that my mission is my priority."

"Then grow a pair and stop stringing her along! Because when you can't make up your mind, you pull them in so deep that _all_ you do in the end is hurt them."

(John! Why did she ever fall in love with John? She had known that it was wrong from the beginning; she was only here doing reconnaissance work, and she was already promised to Hro. John got hurt because he made her forget her mission.)

---

It was then that Wonder Woman appeared around the corner. When she saw Batman and Shayera squared off in the middle of the usually empty hallway, she stopped in her tracks. Unconsciously reached for her lasso. "What is going on here?" she demanded.

"Move along, princess," snarled Shayera.

"Everything's fine, Diana," Batman said.

Diana didn't move her hand from her lasso. Looked at Batman with eyes full of concern. Hesitated.

"_Go_," he ordered.

She scowled at being spoken to in such a directive, but prevented herself from acting further out of her implicit trust in Batman. She was gone.

Batman returned his attention to Shayera. "She's contacting Lantern."

Shayera narrowed her eyes. "Then let's get this over with."

She lunged at him the same way she had been doing for the last several weeks. But this time, she didn't want to kiss him; she wanted to thrash him. He dodged her easily and grabbed her by the arm to fling her aside, but she latched onto him too to unsteady him. He faltered, and she used this opportunity to land a kick squarely on his abdomen. He recovered easily and returned the favor with a roundhouse kick that sent her careening into one of the doors that exited the hallway.

They were fighting dirty, but that's all that she and Batman had been doing for the past six weeks anyway. Being dirty. And the harder she felt herself ramming into him, the more she felt that she really existed. Felt guilty too, and unscrupulous, but _noticed_.

She had his head locked in her arms and then he told her, "After the invasion, I voted to keep you on the team."

She jerked in surprise. "What?" she whispered, loosening her grip on him. Stupid move. He reached back to grab her shoulders and flip her over him. Slammed her hard into the floor in front of him.

She groaned and tilted her head back to see Batman swimming into her field of vision. John was there too. For some reason, he reminded her of an angel.

Until he opened his mouth. "_Jiminy_ – what in the hell is going on here? We do NOT brawl in the Watchtower hallways. And you two are _founding members_."

Ignoring him, she croaked at Batman, "Why?"

He offered her his hand. "You were smart enough to fool even me." He said it just like that, in all his arrogant glory, the prick. I respect you because you're just like me. She could almost hear him say it.

She didn't accept his help. "I don't want to be like you anymore."

John was on the alert. "If you hurt her, Batman, I swear I'll—"

"_You_," Shayera growled. Shook her head and scrambled to get up, fighting off John's help too. Looked at him squarely in the eyes, even though her knees were going weak from standing so close to him. "I don't care about the rest of them, but you need to stop being so nice to me. I don't deserve it."

His eyes widened. "Shayera, I—"

"I just need some space, John. I need some time to forgive myself before I can accept your forgiveness."

He studied the ground. "I understand."

Her eyes flicked to Batman, and he gave her an imperceptible nod. She returned it. But there was no approval on her part in this silent exchange, only defiance.

---

Shayera suspected that John tried to drown out the sting he felt whenever he saw her by injecting every one of their interactions with a show of nonchalant bravado. He'd toned it down a little now. Even started criticizing her on missions every now and then.

She saw Batman and Wonder Woman, both unfortunate enough to have found each other. She would watch him, so pitiful, longing to be with Diana but finding redemption in restraining himself.

That was what came from denying feelings. Shayera didn't want that for herself. Didn't want to be self-delusional, hubristic and clinging only to the shadows. That was the easy way out, and the price was too high. She didn't want to forget John. Knew she was nothing but a hollow shell if she wasn't filled with love for him. It was love without any hope, but maybe she didn't deserve to expect anything better anymore.

And so she would try to smile when John addressed her with well-intentioned pleasantries. Would try to swallow the regret and hurt she felt every time he came into view. Would try not to wish that the ground would swallow her whole when she saw him with Vixen. Would try not to unravel when she saw how empty his eyes were when they looked at her now. She would do all of this, because she didn't want to end up like Batman: stubbornly alone and self-righteously miserable, longing for the day her heart would stop beating.

* * *

_I'm surprised at how many people have shown an interest in this story – thanks! The strange relationship between Hawkgirl and Batman was inspired by JLU #37, so if you liked this, definitely check out that issue._


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